Unknown + Lies

This weekend was Ali and Jon's wedding. It was very wonderful, but very EXHAUSTING. Brutally so for Old Man Don. I hurt.

To describe how fun the weekend was - let's just put it this way: I lost my camera ($200), licked a cockroach someone grabbed off the floor of a strip club (literally - that's not code for some sex thing), got beat on a weed deal ($40), got sick, puked multiple times, fell into a garbage can, had Australian women scream at me, suffered one of the worst hangovers of my life, got puke stains on my suit pants ($50), stood for hours in un-air conditioned places, was interrogated endlessly about my tattoos, got a parking ticket ($65) was stuck in traffic multiple times, scolded by bossy bridesmaids, couldn't smoke weed the whole weekend, didn't get laid all weekend, sweated more than I have in my whole life, stood in the rain and was bossed around by photographers and I STILL had the most fun I've ever had in my entire life. All of the above I did LAUGHING and smiling like I never have in my life. Thank you Ali and Jon, you're the most beautiful people ever, B's and G's (sorry, I don't want to blogicize your names. You understand. Umm..."The BeeGees?"), friends and cousins of friends of aunts and uncles of friends I made friends with, the UNCONQUERABLE Fordham Masters of the Universe (just try and think of a more gratifying gang name!), and everyone who was involved in making this event so very awesome.

I lost my camera on the same night I lost any-shred-of-dignity-I-can't-believe-I-might-have-had-left (one word). This is the night of The Bachelor Party. That happened Thursday night, so no camera for the rest of the wedding events. To make up for it, I made these crude stick figure drawings to help people who weren't there visualize what a nice time I had. This first one is of me at the bachelor party. The evening started out nice enough in Brooklyn. We went to Boat for drinks (ding!) and had a very excellent dinner at Pacifico where they had pitchers of margaritas (ding! ding! ding!). I was very happy to see a lot of my old friends - most of whom I know from college. We have a gang that's much like the Fordham Baldies - except, instead of fighting we like to party and instead of threatening our enemies with being "rocked & cocked" (see "The Wanderers"), we decide to have no enemies because were the friendliest people EVER.

As the evening progressed, things got SLOPPY. I remember eyeballing a girl at the bar at Pacifico and thinking "I'm a go talk to her." - (exact words) But, of course, we can't walk up to the bar and NOT order a drink, can we? So I ordered a shot of Jack Daniels (DING!) and then...uh, yeah. I wish I could tell you.

I don't remember how we got there, but we ended up at 6A. I've ALWAYS hated this bar - too small, too crowded, too trendy. But we hung out outside and things were cool. But beer beer beer! (Ding! Ding! Dohhhh...) The bachelorettes came and met us and...then it's a little blurry. This guy said he'd sell me weed, it turned out just be crumpled up paper and DUH is me. Then I took my pants off. Kids, listen up: there's lots of good reasons to go to jail - maybe out of protest for some cause you believe in, maybe you go to jail to protect someone else...my point is, drunken public nudity is NOT a good reason to go to jail. Fortunately, some of my good fellows were wise to this and helped me out with not getting naked.

Again, it's all a little blurry. Then somehow we ended up in Flashdancers. I honestly don't remember who was there (Ahem!). I'm not even sure I was there. I think I said to a stripper, "You smell so nice!" I'm sure that gave the bouncers an alert. But beer beer beer (Ding...du..ding..).

We closed Flashdancers, and then wandered the streets of Manhattan for what seemed to me to be 3 hours. It was gross hot out and I can't imagine any of us were walking straight at all. I finally got fed up and hailed a cab.

Next thing I remember, I'm in the back seat of my parked car and I needed to BARF. It was hot and sticky out, I didn't have shoes on and I ran out onto the sidewalk and ralphed in a garbage can. Meanwhile, this is like rush-hour on Friday morning in Brooklyn. All around me people are headed to work in business clothes with their brief cases. I guess I should say at this point that I fully intended on going to work on Friday - at least I did when I left work on Thursday. But things weren't looking good so I called in sick and slept a few more hours in the back of my car. When I woke again, a cop was giving me a ticket. I opened the door of the car and he said "Whoa!" and ran away - I'm not kidding. I got out of the ticket - THIS time.

When I got home I slept it off and a cold shower totally saved my ass, because next was the Rehearsal Dinner. A hungover, unshaved and underdressed me crawled out into public again to get told how-to-walk and where-to-stand. Then we moved to John's Pizzeria in Manhattan for dinner. The food was very yummy, but for some reason they didn't want us to have air conditioning and the place was full of chubby, white tourists. For being in the wedding party, we all received some very classy flasks engraved with our names. Oh yeah!

The wedding was CLASSY. Even though it rained, we were in the lovely, lush Fort Tryon Park. This is a picture of Ali and Jon taking their vows. Awwww! Even my cold heart melted. Smiles were in abundance and the ceremony was filled with lovely music, poetry, and beautiful people all around. I'm very cynical and I've been to lots of weddings that make me want to puke. But this one was so nice even I got choked up. (Sniff!)

After the ceremony there was, of course, eating and drinking and crying and more drinking and dancing and drinking and laughing and eating cake and drinking coffee with sambuca in it and eating more and drinking. There were lots of cute kids running around and more friendly people than I thought were left on the earth. It was a first rate party for a first rate crowd in honor of the nicest couple I know. Seriously, my faith in humanity was invigorated - except I was there (and I'm the worst of us. Ewww!).

This next picture is of me after the ceremony. All of the tables had these nice centerpieces with LOTS of limes in them. I thought, "What a perfect opportunity to show off my RAD juggling skills!" Anyone who juggles knows that it's not often you get a chance to show off, so you take what you can get. But after doing it for 3 seconds, I remembered that juggling makes people seem more clowny and, thus, more like a child molester. No one was impressed. I think I even pissed some people off. But did that stop me? No way! "Look at this dope cross-throw! Ali-ooop!! Yeah!!"

After the official ceremony was over, we went to the Playwright's Tavern. I didn't see a lot of playwrights there. Upstairs, lots of old ladies, downstairs, lots of meathead frat-boys. To make up for all the girly fluffiness of the wedding, we watched the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) marathon! Ouch! Those bastards really try to fucking hurt each other! Eventually, I was DEAD on my feet. Every inch of my body ached. So I said my final goodbyes and went back to my normal life in my little cave in Mount Vernon. My two favorite kittycats were there and they were also watching the UFC. So we all got cozy and RELAXED.

At the end of the day, I realized someone stuck me with one of the centerpieces. People, you got to understand! This is more limes than any human being needs! EVER! Like, this is what sailors brought with them on ships in the 18th century to fight scurvy - for the whole crew for like 6 months! What am I going to do? Have a Lime Party?! Drink like 900 Coronas? Help!!

Thanks Ali & Jon and everyone who helped! It was a perfect wedding!


All this happened because I wasn't there with my arms crossed, tsk tsk-ing!  


I want to hear more about you falling into a garbage can.  


I heard a secondhand account of my falling in a garbage can. Apparently, I wasn't there.  


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